Stop Asking “Why” and Start Asking “How”

“The child is father of the man,” wrote William Wordsworth back in 1802. A century and a half later, The Beach Boys paid homage to Wordsworth in a song with the same title. From a 21st century perspective, we would prefer them to have said, “The child is parent to the adult,” but let’s be forgiving and assume that both were looking for something that scanned easily rather than being consciously gender exclusive.

Whether we stick with father/man or update to parent/adult, the line contains a universal truth — what we learn as children shapes us as adults.

The rub is that many of the verbal instincts and reflexes that we pick up as children (copied from our parents and teachers, who in turn copied them from their parents and teachers) actually undermine our effectiveness when we grow up and apply those same instincts as managers. They can lead us into having conversations which are entirely “back-to-front” — those that take us in the opposite direction to the one in which we wish to go.

Asking “Why?” or “Why not?” is one such reflex, an almost irresistible instinct we picked up when our parents used to ask questions like: “Why haven’t you eaten your vegetables?” “Why haven’t you washed your face?” “Why is your room such a mess?” and later on “Why are your grades so poor?”

Now let’s look at how this plays out as an adult.

Your boss: “I don’t think you’re quite ready for the promotion.”

You: “Why not?”

Client: “On reflection, we’ve decided to invite some of your competitors to pitch for our business.”

You: “Why is that? What have we done wrong?”

Text from your partner: “I think it’s probably time to end this relationship.”

You: “Why???? ☹☹☹”

Feel familiar?

Asking “Why?” in response to an obstacle which has been thrown in our way is an entirely natural and understandable instinct when it comes to solving problems. The logic we have picked up from parents and teachers is that to deal with a problem (the uneaten vegetables, the poor grades), we must first understand the reasons behind it, and only then can we find the appropriate counterarguments. For example, once we know that the client considers us to be too expensive, then we can make proposals for reducing the price. Gaining an understanding of the problem becomes an indispensable step towards resolving it.

Or perhaps not. The meticulous observation and analysis of verbal behaviors in meetings and conversations undertaken over many years by my colleagues at Interactifs have found this instinct to be counter-productive — and we’ve have figured out a quicker, more effective way of addressing the issue.

Consider the first example I mentioned at the beginning: You’re vying for a promotion at work, but your boss says: “You’re not ready to step up yet.” You want to solve the problem and your instinct tells you that to do so you first need to understand why she thinks you’re not ready. So naturally you ask: “Why do you think I’m not ready?” And equally naturally, she responds to the question by digging up what she sees as your shortcomings.

Does that help? Less than you may think.

You want that promotion. And yet you have just initiated a conversation which is entirely focused on why you should NOT get the promotion. That is what I mean by “back-to-front” conversations. By the time your boss has finished explaining why you’re not ready, she is likely to be more entrenched in her position. You will have helped to paint her into a corner — the more opportunity you give her to argue against you getting the promotion, the more difficult it will subsequently be for her to go into reverse gear and admit that she is wrong. “Why?” will generate a confrontational cycle of argument and counterargument.

Here’s an alternative suggestion when faced with a situation you want to turn around.

Boss: “I don’t think you’re quite ready.”

You: “Hmmm…. I’m obviously disappointed to hear that. I think I can do the job. How can I provide evidence to demonstrate that I am ready for this promotion?”

Boss: “Well, you’d need to show me that you have a much better grounding in digital marketing than I think you have.”

Perhaps you do or don’t have that grounding. The underlying problem has not changed. But moving straight to the “How?” and uncovering what needs to be done has allowed you to identify that underlying problem just as clearly as if you had asked “Why?”

What has changed is the nature of the conversation that you are now having. You won’t have painted your boss into a corner where she will find it difficult to alter her position. The mental picture in her head will be of your future competence rather than your past shortcomings. Simply put, “why” is backward looking whereas “how” focuses on the future.

Let’s play out the other scenarios from earlier with this new approach:

Client: “On reflection, we’ve decided to invite some of your competitors to pitch for our business.”

You: “Ouch! That’s tough to hear. We’ve obviously taken our eye off the ball somewhere and we’re ready to do whatever it takes to address that. How can we have a chance of you giving us three months to turn things around and avoid a pitch?”

Text from your partner: “I think it’s probably time to end this relationship.”

You (hopefully on a call and not via a text!): “I was devastated to receive your text. I will obviously respect whatever decision you make, but I need you to know that I very much want us to stay together. And I want to know what I need to change for that to happen.”

As Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung put it, “To ask the right question is already half the solution to a problem.” So instead of asking why something isn’t working or happening, start asking how it can be improved and what you can do better the next time. If you start by asking your children (when you have them) how you can help them to improve their grades, rather than why their grades are poor, you will contribute to passing on more productive instincts to the next generation. You will be helping them to harness the power of “How?”